Pangea
I never know what day it is and I mistake present for the future.
I saw many pregnant women today and felt connected to those bellies for the first time in my life. The idea of a little alien life inside of a woman’s body always seemed sacred, beautiful, terrifying and very distant for me. Perhaps I am late with this as I am in general – or simply just on my own time.
Back home, the very same night in my bed, I was wholeheartedly aroused and fulfilled feeling my man inside of me. As I approached the peak, this feeling was involuntarily, but with a deep satisfaction, replaced by a sensation of a life coming out of me.
To be inside of me is heaven
To have you inside of me and let you go
is beyond
it is all that ever was
A unity
To be born from love
or not at all
This is the idea my innermost parts struggle with – are we all born from love? It must be. But if love is the only thing, and if it amplifies as two poles unite – why are we able to create life by violence? By rape?
Are we really equal and parts of one and the same entity? Did we use to be one organism, a Pangea of its own? If so, why is a man’s orgasm enough to make a new life inside of a woman’s body?
Found you in the ocean
When I have too many questions on my mind, I know – the trust is gone. The trust between me and God has been put to a test.
So I remind myself – It is safe to feel. I yearn to spend some time in my own Middle Earth – my heart and solar plexus. After so many changes – traveling, falling in love, a new job, break up, seeing my cat, my city and family again after more than a year, OH! a new feeling of deep gratitude – mommy! daddy! Thank you for giving me life! – my body is exhausted and chooses not to feel at all. I would like to cry a lot, sleep and wake up as my regular self. But I don’t know how to do that so all that I experience right now is kind of distant or kind of average. I begin to wonder though, am I becoming numb or is my nervous system just newly regulated and this is how normal people feel?
Everything I always wanted is here. My best friends on my island. Everyone alive. Sunny. Loud. Life is good. But I am not present to experience it in its fullness. I long for a very soft environment to sink into. So it found me.
I saw a beautiful long haired man at a beach party on a small island of Lembongan. I can’t even remember what I told him, but soon enough we were hugging under a willow. We talked for hours and at some point peed together in a pool. He is my age, has warm eyes and the softest pair of eyebrows I have ever touched.
To kiss him is to loose the boundaries of my exoskeleton. My body melts away and I feel like a šnenokla. Swimming in something round, sweet, soft and smooth.
Touch can do groundbreaking things.
The next day, he appeared in my hotel looking for me. He was a more beautiful soul that my blurry brain remembered.
In the nighttime, we would swim through the blue, bioluminescent planktons. I could feel the water flowing through me, making love to the ocean. The life force inside of me waking up in his endless, soft embrace. A giant sea turtle touched my foot. Ohhh how the ocean loves me! I feel it with all my insides and I feel it in my feet. As I do, I dive underneath to touch the sandy bottom with my lips:
I kiss the ground you walk on.
And then, through my closed eyes, I see them coming: monsters with burning eyes, naked old women wearing death masks, snake dragons and demonic children with distorted jaws coming to eat me. But the place of fear inside of me is filled with something else. Acceptance.
Come to me, I know you. I am one of you. Don’t be scared, I tell them.
So they just go through me, like through a river. And they relax and soften, knowing that they belong. That vibrant, crystal, fresh motherly instinct fills me up again and I just feel desire to protect them.
I look at my man and witness the surfacing truth. On his beautiful face, smile across a sea of tears. I don’t have enough hands to wipe them. If I was to feel safe in your wilderness I would easily fall on my knees and wash your feet and your soul and have you in my mouth with love and care. He hugs me with thousand tentacles, pins me down gently. But my heart speaks, and I know he can hear it:
Oh I love you.
And I feel your love as well.
I love you so much I will give you something bigger than a gift of myself.
I will give you the gift of freedom.
God comes back and I listen to what I am secretly already aware of : We all know everything, at any given moment. Who we are, where we are, where we stand with each other. The only question is how many layers of hurt stand between us and the truth and our ability to see it.
My scared child.
Bajaga!
Ne pitam ništa
jer znam da znaš
ja znam da znaš
Potpuno sami na ovom svetu
Što nije naš
Nemoj da brineš
kad srce zna
i nebo zna
ti imaš mene a tebe ja
